So much has been going on – and yet not going on, interestingly – for the last 6 weeks. It’s been a very strange time for all of us, and I’m definitely no exception. With a head full of mixed priorities and trying to figure out that magic combination of things to do that will pull them all together, it’s been at times confusing, frightening and frustrating for a variety of reasons.
On one hand, there are externally focused issues, such as being the primary caregiver for an older parent who is basically hiding in her home in another state. There’s also an inundation of highly urgent projects and programs that need launching, all in emergency status with faster-than-the-speed-of-light timelines due to the nature of Covid and the high speed of change in the markets right now.
Then we have the internally focused issues, which if I’m to be completely honest are much more troubling than the stress of any of the immediate day-to-day work that needs to be done. I love fast-paced smart work that makes a difference. Tangible activities with tangible outcomes overcomes any stressors from quick turnarounds, immediate deadlines or any amount of multi-tasking.
It’s this time alone with your own thoughts and dare I say, insecurities that spring out of the quiet moments when there is no more immediate work to keep your mind busy, where there has been a lot of introspection. Half of my mind reeling as I sit inside these apartment walls, thinking of a lifetime of choices and outcomes, efforts and inactivity, dreams, goals, and aspirations still yet to be fulfilled.
I suppose this kind of utterly extraordinary circumstance breeds these thoughts and misgivings – of both past and present choices as well as future prospects and dreams. One thing I have grappled with during this time is falling into that comfy old afghan of self-doubt and regret. It’s a snug old thing, always calling me into its recognizable warmth – but it’s a deadly embrace. One that will suck all hope if you aren’t careful.
So I’m making an active choice – EVERY DAY – to throw that old blanket off (maybe a trip through the washing machine will get that stench of self-pity out) and get moving. It’s not going to be easy, but when is anything that is amazing in life easy? A little self-forgiveness and a lot of one-step-in-front-of-the-other and we can all make it through this … and anything, to be fair.